Happy New Year!
Can I admit this one’s already a weird one for me? I felt the distinct call to NOT make any resolutions (not that I’ve really gotten into that in the past anyway). But I’ve known since the middle of 2011 that this year of my life would be different (insert side note, I just started crying tears that I know are joy…where did that come from?!).
2011 was a year of the biggest life changes for me in…, well, perhaps ever. I mean getting married, having children, and following my husband to start a church were pretty big life changes, but in 2011, the Lord asked me to hand over the keys to where I had found my identity. If you’ve been around much, you saw it happen (painfully at times). My husband and I made the decision for me to leave teaching – a career and way of life and passion for 13 years. We made the decision to build a home on the family ranch (cowgirl/country living hasn’t ever really been appealing to me…I like a grocery down the road and convenience all around). My sweet little photography business boomed more than I ever imagined, but even here (gosh, I’m admitting this), I felt the Lord asking for the keys. Fortunately, this time, I once I handed them over, I also felt Him telling me I could have them back – in moderation.
But the biggest calling was this:
“My calling – to help Jeremy be better in God than he is. To walk beside him, to nourish him, to talk deeply and intimately over spiritual matters, to connect with God. To use my gift of discernment, to sharpen him, to be his true help mate – selflessly and graciously and in humility; to cherish him, to encourage. What a high calling!”
Now, if you know me, your jaw just dropped. I’ll pause for you to pick it up.
I’m more the “passive-aggressive” submissive wife. That statement up there that poured out at a conference (one where, for the first time, I completely surrendered MY ambitions and goals) from a surrendered heart and onto paper after a sincere prayer for the Lord to show me what I’m supposed to do because I don’t know any more. I’m pretty used to being in control and knowing my next move(s) far down the road.
At that same conference, the phrase “be still” began coming to mind. Another “if you know me,” you know I’m not still. In college I took 21 to 24 hours many semesters; while I taught full time I went to grad school and had my first baby; while I taught full time I sought my National Certification and started a photography business. I’m an “all in” type of gal; my mom said I started it young. But then, I quit teaching because I knew I was called to be a wife & mother, and what did I do? I crammed as much business and busyness into my life as possible. The call to ‘be still’ kept coming, however, and after many tears, wading through the mess I had made for myself, I’m on the other side.
I’m a bit lost.
I feel a bit unfocused.
But I know something wonderful is coming…