Sometimes I can be a hypochondriac; you should have known me when I took Abnormal Psyc in college – whoo wee. So, I kept checking each time I went to the restroom this morning (those of you not in the teaching world, that equals every 55 minutes – what can I say, I drink a lot…).
Still today – total and complete peace. Can’t even describe it other than “peaceful peace.” I’m an English teacher, I know it’s redundant, but it’s spot on for how I feel. I can literally feel the Spirit as my Counselor and Comfort. It’s so exhilarating. Jeremy has phoned to check on me at least 5 times today (he’s in Florida at a conference that is SO amazing; he almost stayed home, but I submissively encouraged him to go, go, go!!! I can’t wait to see him return renewed, refreshed, and filled!), and all I can tell him is that “I am totally okay.”
Here’s the wrap up. Doc A and I chatted a bit, we established I don’t do routine self checks, and no, I haven’t seen another doctor in the last 3 years, it has, in fact, been that long since I had a check up. I’m a bad, bad patient; I only see a doctor when there’s something wrong. She did the exam, and about the time she was saying, “I think I might have to have you show me…” her cheerful face dropped (I read body language very carefully), and she said, “nevermind, that is definitely something. It’s smooth and seems rounded, those are both good. Yes, it’s significant. We’ll schedule you for a mammogram and ultrasound. 80% of masses are absolutely fine, remember.” Jeremy was hoping for something more, but it’s about what I expected.
So, I’m tempted to name it, a her. After all, it has to be a her, right? I mean, she’s in my body (female) and in my breast (decidedly feminine), so she’s a she. But, if she turns out to be bad, I think I want ‘her’ to become ‘him,’ because, well, ‘bad girl’ has a very different connotation that ‘bad guy.’ I mean, we all know what a ‘bad girl’ does, and a ‘bad guy;’ he’s clearly the evil guy, antagonist, dressed in black full of menace and is overcome in the end by a handsome knight on a white horse.
But, I digress, this is really not a post about that, it’s about peace.
I’ve meant to blog about this for, well, right about two weeks now, but ‘stuff’ keeps getting in the way. It seems it’s time to sit still long enough to share some of the overflow of my filling, and it seems all the more special now because I know it’s why I’m so filled with peace.
I’m what you could probably label a ‘skeptical Christian.’ I know God, I trust Jesus, and I have the Holy Spirit dwelling inside of me. So when talk of “baptism of the Holy Spirit” started circling, I got a little cautious. To shorten this story, I felt the urge to branch out a bit and attend a conference at a more “spirit filled” church (which is part of what has always bothered me, we’re ALL Spirit filled if we’re believers), and my biggest prayer was that I would allow myself to open completely before my God and allow him to transform me and speak to me. I’m also overly critical of speakers, analyzing every piece of body language, how smoothly they speak, what they say, how they say it, and so on. I prayed for that to go away, too.
So, I find myself at the prophesy portion of the conference. I found myself asking God for a word for me as proof, but quickly caught myself and prayed instead for an open heart and anything he would reveal to me. I had to sit down and write what I was hearing, and I am SO excited for where he is taking me as a wife and mother! Then, one of the women had a word for one of my friends, and it was SO spot on for her that it blessed me. I came away significantly changed from the opening of my hard, sinful heart, and I’ve not been quite the same since
I can sincerely say that I want God’s will done, and whatever will bring him the most glory is my desire.