Be Still

Where I have I been? Good question. In denial, I believe. Maybe confusion. Patiently waiting? Can I pass it off as patiently waiting? Didn’t think so.

Busyness has been my blindfold and comfort, of sorts, as I avoid dealing with the situation at hand. I truly need to get away, all alone, in a very barren location with only my Bible and an iPod of worship music. I do. I’ve heard of retreats where they take all electronic devices for a period of about four days, and you spend time with God. I cry right now as I think of how delightful that would be.

I cry a lot lately.

Usually behind doors where no one, not even Jeremy, sees or hears.

I tell everyone I’m fine.

I’m so confused.

Right now I’m a very emotional woman! I mean, we’re all emotional, aren’t we, ladies? I have a friend who’s husband used to wave his hands in the air and say, “Wheeee, riding the Christy roller coaster!!!” She’d roll her eyes, and they’d move on. (we just lost touch, they’re still married) But, honestly, I think Jeremy probably thinks, “I wonder which of Sybil’s personalities is going to greet me?” when he sees I’m calling or arrives home. It would be a valid question. Some days I’m inside of myself thinking, “who are you?”

I’m also a very logical lady. Really, I am. Not just because I had a perfect 100 in Philosophy 240 at A&M, that’s the logic class and I don’t know why it was on my degree plan, and I beat Jeremy and Joey. But, I digress, that whole story is for another time. I’m an analyzer. I like to take a slow, methodical approach to figuring things out. I’m a slow processor. Please don’t rush me when I’m making an important decision (even if that important decision is what to have for lunch).

As a result, there’s a war going on inside of Misti White – emotion versus logic. The battle is ON. And, I’m stuck right smack in the middle.

Back to busyness. I desire more than anything for my life to slow down. I want to spend a day on the couch. I want to spend more than 15 to 20 minutes in a Bible study and prayer (excluding prayer while running because I keep getting distracted by deer – yes, behind Our Savior Lutheran a beautiful buck & doe – potholes, dogs, and so forth). I want

“to sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand
lay back against you and breathe
feel your heartbeat
This love is so deep
It’s more than I can stand
I melt in your peace,
It’s overwhelming.”
I want that peace. This song would be the latest addition to my iPod tonight. I just flat out broke down tonight at the Women’s Night of Worship when we were singing that song. Can I tell you that I don’t break down in public? I don’t. And, I hid it very quickly. But that’s what I want. I want to just sit with Jesus. Just be with Him. His overwhelming peace. I want His direction for what is best.
Please tell me. Please.
I was so sure it was time to walk away. But…
Since the inception of the church, I saw, I know God’s role for my life was to work. My gift has been the gift of reassurance for working mothers. It’s okay. It’s okay to work – to want to work, to enjoy work – as long as you are serving God first, and family second. When that became flipped, God provided a miracle part time position. For 12 years my work has been my ministry. I am the only example of Jesus some of those students see. It’s no accident I was called late in July for an unexpected job opening, that I was NOT the favored interviewee – the other lady had it, but she totally blew her interview, that I didn’t even plan to show up for the interview that day but it was against my good character to be a no show, that I had every intention to decline the offer except my then-principal gave me a good hour long talk and a week to think about it and make up my mind! All God.
I don’t want to sound high and mighty because every one of these statements is a God given gift, a way that He is using me. I’m the only wife of a pastoral staff that works, albeit part time. I have a whole different perspective, and so does Jeremy. I have a whole different set of insight. I help us stay connected to what’s happening in the community via school (that one was from Jeremy). Honestly, and humbly, I’m good at what I do. Or, I was. This year, in all seriousness, I’m not as good. In various conversations with fellow teachers, I have been told that I give a calmness and peace and joy by being there (and I don’t know how this is happening; clearly my emotional turmoil is not as evident at school). I have parents that thank me over and over for being a spiritual light for their children and for truly caring.
I feel like I should stay for these reasons. Also, logically, I don’t want to leave on a ‘downer’ year. I also don’t think I’ll go back once I leave; am I ready for that? I think next year will be easier with fewer changes (presumably). Those all seem very ‘Misti oriented’ answers.
But I sat on stage at church a few weeks back and I lied. I said how much I loved teaching and how much it was who I am, and I almost cried. It was hollow. I felt hollow as I spoke the words.
I just want to do what glorifies God. I don’t know what that is. I don’t like riding the fence. I want to be hot or cold, that’s biblical, right!?! I know the first part of the answer is to be still. I don’t want to be Martha, but I totally am.
I need to be still.
Exodus 14:14The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
Psalm 46:10“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
If you made it this far, thanks for sticking through that with me, that’s one reason I haven’t blogged. I have 4 drafts saved that are just as rambling as this one (just various stages of emotion).

Comments

  1. says

    Thanks Misti, I know you said rambling but I say 'great'. I've been a mess of spiritual ups and downs the past few weeks too. You'll be in my prayers tonight!

    Thanks for being honest and open. People need to know that being a believer doesn't mean we need to pretend to have it all together all the time but that despite our trials we still have peace in Christ.

    We miss our StoneWater family 8D Hope we can visit sometime soon!

  2. says

    I love reading your blog. You are such a gift to Stonewater, and will be no matter which path you choose next year. I also wanted to thank you for your honesty. It's such a pleasure to be in your life, and to see how God is revealing his plan to you.
    Sometimes it helps me to "try on" your decision for a while, and see how it feels. I can tell almost immediately if it feels right, or else there is a very uncomfortable feeling, one of regret rather than optimism…. if that makes sense. You wouldn't have to tell anyone what you are doing, just view it though that lens, and when your do your bible study and quiet time, perhaps God will use that perspective to speak to you. I don't know…. just a thought of what sometimes works for me.

  3. says

    I'm not sure if my previous comment went through! I hate it if I am repeating myself…anyway, it sounds like you are still awaiting the answer and I think it's awesome you are where you are considering this huge decision. That Kari Jobe song puts me to sleep almost every night. I love the imagery…it's like I can imagine myself there. Sending you prayers of peace through this decision making time, and confidence in whatever decision is made!

  4. says

    I just heard week 2 of our sermon series here in Austin on Sabbath rest and feel convicted – but not in that bad, yucky way of usual conviction. I feel drawn to sabbath – to rest, to an "intermission". I want to "cease from achieving" and "cease from striving" (sabbath defined), to be blessed by the rest God commands (which honors Him by my obedience), and to remember that He is the one who saves me with his outstretched arm and might right hand. (Ex 20:8-11 and Deut 5:12-15). God gives his grace and takes away – but it is STILL a reflection of his goodness. Misti, your success as a teacher (insert all hats here: mom, wife, etc) is his grace, poured out on you. You are still a wonderful teacher (even though you don't feel like it), but perhaps He is working to reveal something to you through your work. As someone who has always worked part-time and fought hard to continue working to feel productive, I struggled big time when I couldn't get stuff done or find time to finish projects that were easily completed in the past or find satisfaction in completing tasks. God was teaching me to get real with my weakness, in order that I might get down off my high horse and view myself as the sinner (and child of God, saved by grace) that I am. In my 34 years, I've never been more aware and humbled by my weaknesses as I am now. But God has opened other doors that I (tentatively) walk through, only because I'm trusting (more) Him in light of my newfound knowledge that i'm not all that I thought I once was. I knew I didn't have it all together, but at least I had it more together than most. I loved that lie so much, that it brought me to my knees when I discovered the truth. But I'm so thankful for the Truth. God is faithful to complete the work He has started in you and will lead you through this valley to the other side. I loved what we sang today and hope it speaks to you: To the valley, for my soul, Thy great descent has made me whole, Your word my heart has welcomed home, Now peace like water ever flows (From Praise the Father, Praise the Son). Praying for you, friend!

  5. says

    Smiling at your words, smiling because God knows your heart and knows that it will all work out. Smiling because the heart that is focused on God will be blessed. Smiling because I know God already has it all figured out. Smiling because you are open to His answers! :)

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