I feel as if I’m in a holding pattern of sorts. I’ve much recovered from the emotional nature of my last post (thank you, God for my emotional breakdown in the bathroom during which I spied the birth control pills and the sudden realization you gave me that those were the emotional trigger. side note – this does not mean we’re having more children, my tubes are shut down for business).
But, I can’t say that I’ve had any epiphany since the last post other than a very definite comfort from God (thank you for the many prayers on behalf of the many pray-ers) and a peace to “be still.” That’s not a “be still” in action, and if it is, I haven’t done it well.
It’s interesting that Jeremy’s message series is on taking a road trip with God. I can’t think of a more timely message series for my life, and, in reality, Jeremy’s as he walks this with me. It just proves God’s most perfect timing because this series has been planned out for many, many months in advance. Who knew I’d be facing an identity crisis in the very timing of a series focused on finding God’s vision for your life! Well, God did because that’s how He is.
I think it’s interesting to note, too, how God has already been working His divine plan for a long time now. Not too long ago I was struck by the need for my prayer life to increase. Not long before that I was lead to realize that my obedience to God needed to be more radical. At that point I began dying to myself more than I have before (not that it’s been so huge as of yet, though). It did lead me to a huge place last school year of giving up control of things that I have never had the least inkling of a desire to give up control. So, to clarify, increased obedience + giving up control + increased prayer = identity crisis.
Normally this term “identity crisis” is used with a negative connotation. Mine began that way because I felt like I was losing who I was – the very core of what makes me me. But, if you trace those other three that are all very good when aligned with God, this is a huge blessing!
My mind has been racing as I try to sort out the details. As I have reasoned, and used my logic, and tried to sort the good from the bad in various graphic organizers – t charts, Venn diagrams, and so on – I sense a personal God who has a little smile of pride on His face. You know, the look when you see your children wrestling with something that they’re about to really get for the first time, and you’re so excited to see it happen and you want to jump in to make it happen, but you know that they need to figure it out, but they can’t see past that last step so they have to turn to you and, together, you get it done and it’s a joy for you both. I’m the child and finishing this last part together. I’m so excited to be doing it, so excited it’s with Him, but He’s not finished showing me, yet.
My run this morning was refreshing – first cool breeze of the season, slight soft rain, and the God of the universe smiling at me as He spoke to my heart. “How many times have I let you down? Left you disappointed?” I struggled to think – there was my boyfriend in high school…but that was a blessing because it led me to Jeremy. There was the miscarriage…but that led me to Hudson. He’s never promised me that there would be no pain, but He’s never let me down. It took me back about 14 years.
My first year of college I had a partying phase. I can distinctly remember getting ready for a night out, sitting in my room in front of the full length mirror leaning against the wall. I’d feel a tap-tap-tap. “This is not what I have for you. There is something better.” But, it is fun, I’d reply as I pushed aside the conviction and party on. The next morning as I got ready for work, school, or, rarely, church, I’d feel it again, tap-tap-tap “This is not My best for you. Let me show you.” I knew. He was there. People have asked how I ended up at A&M – and I always have to pause because I don’t know, except now I do. God had a plan. He must have smiled when I finally got it after all that tapping on my heart. I went to A&M to be a new person, to escape all the mess I had wrapped myself in, to go be with God.
This morning, I realized that I have the same exact feeling of tap-tap-tap. I’m not in the blatant disobedience that I was then, but sins of omission are just as great as those of commission. And the drawing of God is just as strong, maybe even stronger as I yearn to hear from Him and follow Him. I’m excited. I don’t know where I’m going or what it means. It’s kind of like heading off to college with a whole world of possibilities in front of me knowing that God will never let me down, and I can lean on Him.